for this, that

i killed my father
i did
i know it
for all he did
protection given
raised up
pedestal
gave all
he could not tell me what was wrong
ignorant to suffering
asking
wanting
needing
it was never enough
till he gave up his life

footsteps in the grass
you wonder if he bothered to put shoes on
dog left scratching at the door
most people had gone to work on the street
maybe some still having coffee
threw his glasses away
did he plead with God
did he cry out
or did he go silent into the sunlight

shot gun blast from the backyard
they all heard it when
from Manhattan still wanting
“Dad, where are you? Where is that money? I need to talk to you. I need… need… NEED”

‘requiem for a dream’
in the dark
studio apartment
SoHo
living like wealth
banking prince schoolmate
adopted son of a prison guard
knew not what i’d done

call back again
man answers
police answer
grandma on the phone
“what’s going on?”
“Your father… oh, Nathan. Your father… he’s dead”
“Sorry grandma… I have to go”
history rushed to the forefront

race to the restaurant
find bev
scream, cry, yell……
no this could not be
but it was
is
it was my fault you see
words in my belly
guilt in my heart
survival on the brain
someday it will come out proper
someday it will be told

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